First Kool-Aid

Yeah, it's been a while since my last post.....

So what?

I'm not abandoning you. I simply have a life is all. Ok, that's a lie. The truth is, I'm incredibly lazy and generally don't like you. Wow! I feel like such a weight has been lifted off my chest. I can stop living this lie. This lie of liking you. Tolerating you. All the while trying to conjure latent psychic abilities and simply will the life from you. Ok, maybe not that far. It does seem a bit harsh. Maybe just give you a headache or something.....

It's been an interesting week. Of course, as per my custom, I'm not going to tell you all about it. Just give you a little tidbit cause I'm a prick.

When the opportunity came up to take a first aid course, it caught my attention. Why? I'm not sure to be honest. The opportunity's come up a plethora of times before but only now did it actually catch my eye. And so I registered. I learned. I laughed. And now I am certified to give first aid. Scary thought, I know. I think the highlight of proceedings was given the abdominal thrust maneuver to a woman whom I'm sure is under 5 feet. If she isn't, she's barely over the cusp. In truth, it was a valuable lesson to learn as I'm 6'5 and it's more difficult for someone much larger to perform this act on someone smaller than vice versa. As it happened, I had to get down on one knee to do it. Probably more comfortable for her than my first idea. Which was to simply pick her up and go about things like that.

Ah, saving lives....

Remember. It's important to place the casualty in the recovery position in certain instances. Particularly if it's a dude as it's just easier to get at their wallets that way.

Class dismissed.

On another note, it's less than a week until my mama arrives to visit. Considering the fact that I have not seen her in about.....4 years.....ish, this is a bit exciting. My real motivation for flying her here was so that I could get some home cooking. Don't get me wrong, I eat very well as it is. My roomie and I are pretty damn skilled at whipping up a number of culinary delights. She more than I, but I've taken the opportunity to learn (there's that word again!). However, I think we can all agree, there's nothing quite like moms homemade whatever.

I'm salivating at the thought already.

I'll share a little (non) secret with you. I'm not a big fan of Christmas.....or any of the holidays really. Though I will admit that the food and drinking are a delight. So, with the holiday season fast approaching and despite my own personal feelings on things....

I do hope you and yours have a wonderful time whatever you may be up to and wherever you may be. I also hope you stay safe and don't do anything stupid.

Moving on....

A dear friend was sweet enough to procure a fine bottle of Highland Park for me. It'd be rude of me not to enjoy it.

Cheers.

People's Gots Faces

It has begun!

The new job, that is. Remember? I mentioned it back a couple of weeks ago? A few posts? Ah fuck it, yeah, I know you don't read this tripe. But I write it anyway. You know why? Because I'm batshit insane!!

*ahem* Sorry.

So far the new job goes well. I actually have to turn the wheels inside as I'm the new guy and really don't have a clue. Three days in and nothing has caught on fire. My coworkers are great fun and extremely helpful and also have demented senses of humour. Know how I know. Apparently we're getting a remote controlled tarantula to serve the dual function of serving as our mascot and delivering post-it notes back and forth. How sweet is that?! Early favorites for name bestowed upon the little critter include Steve and Thursday.

My boss scares me a little, however.

Training was a frightful and harrowing experience. She would loom over me, oozing scorn. Carefully watching each keystroke and mouse movement I made. The moment something I did failed to meet her, quite frankly, Goddess like standards, she would bludgeon me with a stool screaming "Nein! You vill do eet zis vay or I vill conteenuu to puuneesh you." Admittedly, the beatings sort of had an oddly soothing aspect to them. I had to admire her dedication and precision in finding the most painful spots imaginable to strike. You just don't see torturers take that kind of pride in their work anymore.

I joke, of course. There were no savage beatings or fucked up German accents.

There were muffins! I think I like these people. I think they tolerate me. Which is really more than I could have hoped for.

Please don't fire me.

My Readers Rock!

Wait......

There are people who read this? Now I know you're pulling my leg. Of course, if I'm right, that means I'm talking.....writing to myself. A sure sign I've gone off the deep end.

So business as usual I guess.

Last week was not so great. Nothing terribly wrong happened. But I spent the entirety of Wednesday (Wednesdat!) in the clutches of a cruel and vicious fever. "Leave me be" I pleaded. It just laughed and put another cigarette out on my eye. The upshot of which is that now I look like a pirate. I tried getting a parrot to complete the look. Damn thing froze solid on my shoulder. But not before sinking it's talons in. Fucking bird. Took a pair of pliers to get them out.

Thursday, I was on the mend. Not feeling great but no hallucinations either.

Friday, things really took an upswing. I returned to that place where I do that thing for money to find a package. A further investigation revealed a number of items I was to deliver to friends (fuck you guys, I'm keeping all of it). And then I saw it. As beautiful as the day is short this time of year.....

A 12 year old scotch.

Hearty laughter followed. "There is a Satan" I bellowed, much to the growing concern of those around me. This was an act of supreme awesome sauce. And I thank the one responsible (yes, I do know whom it came from) from the bottom of my cold obsidian heart.

Now, I fear, the bottle is closer to empty than full. So another of you fine folk is going to have to step up and soon. Papa needs his medicine.

OH!

The cherry on top. There were cookies......made with booze!

Onward!

Presently Irked

One could make the argument that irked is more or less a default setting in my case. You'd probably be right as there's a myriad of things that usually evoke the word 'fuck' out of me. Details....

It's not all doom and gloom as my facial expression would have you believe. That frown is more to scare little children so the diminutive little fuckers will leave me alone. If it startles adults as well, all the better. But back to the point. My job (for me at least) requires about as much brain power as sleeping. It has perks, to be certain. And over the years, I've been content to maintain the status quo for various reasons. However, there comes a time in ones life when banging ones head against the wall shouldn't be a daily thing. I like a challenge. I like to use this twisted mind o'mine to sort and figure out and conquer humanity (ignore that last part). My current employment hasn't provided the first two (and never the third) since about minute 14 of the training. Yes, I could have sought other employ but as stated above, I had my reasons (and mind your business).

My suspicions about my supervisor and manager rocking pretty hard and going a bit extra for me were confirmed last week. No need to elaborate on every little detail here. Suffice to say that they did a bit of legwork and found me a new job. Sort of. I'll still be working for the same folk and still have the same job in a diminished capacity. However, I'll also be working for other divisions and whatnot including one that's up my alley and looks to have some actual writing and the like to forward to. Invaluable experience gained? Check. Exciting new opportunity? Check. Challenge that will actually require some thought? Check. 1 bottle of scotch per week written into my contract? Unfortunately, no. But I still call this one a win.

My oh my, where does the time go? 4 day weekend vanished as but a thought. And in those fleeting thoughts one can find solace in knowing that there was time well spent with people worth spending time with.

We should all be so lucky....

Now go away. I've got auditory pleasures to attend to.

From Chaos to Chaos to Chaos

Sorry for the extended absence boys and girls. The last couple of weeks have been.....taxing. Not to fret, it's nothing I can't handle, through brain damage and alcohol. Ah yes, the appropriate response. And let's not forget delicious food. There's a lot to be said (all good) for having filet mignon for breakfast. Sure my heart and liver may object, but truthfully, they can go fuck themselves.

If you can read, thank a teacher. If it's in English, thank a veteran. I heard that statement years ago and it's stuck with me. So many men and women have given their lives in the belief that it was for the betterment and freedom of their country. They're still doing it. Every day. In a perfect world, they wouldn't need to. However, as I'm sure we're all keenly aware, the world is a damn long way from perfect. They died in the hopes that one day we would get there.

Remember them. Remember what they fought for. Suffered for. Died for.

I don't think that's asking too much.

The North Explained.....

Upon commencement of this collection of random thoughts, a friend of mine remarked that I seemed to have a talent for writing. Kind words indeed. I believe that's exactly what I said to her. And while it is nice to get a pat on the back and a good job (get your mind out of the gutter!), I usually find it difficult to accept compliments. And I'm not doing this for any other reason than the joy of writing. And to make millions of dollars so that I may, one day, put my plans of exterminating mankind into motion.

But don't you worry your pretty little heads about that.

The reason I bring this up?

Part of the discussion centered around the north (where I happen to live). Most folk in the south haven't a sweet clue how things function here.....if they do function at all. Whether we live in igloos (we don't), whether we have electricity (we do) and, of course the most popular, how cold it gets.

The answer?

Cold.

Very Cold.

In truth, there are a plethora of blogs who all discuss life in the north ad nauseum. Each with a different perspective. The cold being a unifying factor. Oh, and there's snow, don't forget the snow.

At some point, I imagine I'll weigh in on the goings on around these parts. For now you'll have to content yourselves with my offerings of cold and snow.

With that said, I encourage you all to make a trek (not here, I don't want to talk to you) to the arctic and experience it for yourself. And depending on the time of year, I also may encourage you to wear a hat.

On a side note......

How awesome is the boss who randomly brings you a ginormous slice of chocolate cake? A little piece of goodness in what has been a pretty damn awesome sauce (and delicious) week.

This Moment Is Mine

Another Monday, another rehearsal at choir, another gorgeous display by my accomplices. I know I've mentioned this before, but it never ceases to amaze.

Currently we go by the name The Choiring Squad. One of our number had the thought that we should alter it to The Other Choir. I think he's got a point! Whenever the topic of choir comes up, folk ask us "Oh, you're in the community choir?". No actually, the other one. The, dare I say it, better one. I believe myself to be educated enough to make that claim. Especially since I've never actually heard the other choir perform. But we're so totally better.

CHOIRING OFF!

Sorry.

It was an interesting weekend. Interesting for the dearth of happenings. I spent the vast majority of it listening to music, cleaning up round the house or both. Having a roommate (currently house sitting), it's not often where I'm left alone for such extended periods. I don't mind as we get along swimmingly. But as I'm often not partial to the company of others, though frequently blessed by it, finally getting my wish presented a challenge. Now what do I do?

Cue the good music.

One of the few times I actually ventured out of the home was for the advancement of this goal. Some of you may not be aware, but I do a weekly radio show. Disseminating metal (and other goodies) to the masses. It was a particular joy this week as we finally got our new equipment in. We had a fundraiser back in December and wound up raising a gob of cash. I do believe we doubled our goal. The station found what they were looking for and now it's all ready to rock.

My point?

I want to thank everyone who participated in, donated, was associated with, whatever, to make this possible. Not only did we gain the means to become a better vessel of community radio, but we had a damn good time doing it.

Speaking of good times......who wants a scotch?

Baby Eating 101

Hopefully that title scared off the more skittish among you.

As for the rest of you, I hope you brought a change of clothing!

For those of you curious, the previous post was not a mistake or some such. 'Twas deliberate on a couple of different fronts. The more obvious of which, me being a cheeky asshole. But you knew that already. The other being the fact that I had nothing I particularly wanted to say to any of you. Certainly there were some goings on. However, I didn't feel particularly compelled to speak on those matters. Simply something you're going to have to learn to accept. Or not. Truth is, I don't give a fuck.

But I'm back! YAY!

Been giving a lot of thought to this thing called life in all it's complicated and demented splendor. What I want. Where I want to be. When. Why. How. Whom with. Oh the joys. And then the thought of a perfect day crossed my mind. Something occurred then that brought a smile to my face. I realized that my perfect day is easily achieved. Well, not so easily as say.....switching on a light. But not so difficult as......surviving the zombie apocalypse. The fact remains though, that there is much to do between now and then. Many adventures to have. And that's the point, isn't it? To embrace this life of ours. To enjoy it. Admittedly, none of us have any concrete idea of what death is. If I had to give an answer, I'd say we're fucking worm food eventually. But the fact remains that we don't know. This life could be the stepping stone on to something far grander than we could ever imagine. Many of us believe it is. Personally.......worm food. Which makes every moment of this blip of an existence matter to me. So, my advice? Even when doing seemingly nothing, do something. 

Wow......

I wasn't expecting my mind to vomit that all over the page.

Anyway.

Halloween is on the horizon. It, for the most part, being a huge crock. For me and mine, it's a delightful excuse to make fools of ourselves and drink together. In all honesty, it really doesn't separate it from any other day.......details. Been thinking that this year I need to wrangle a couple of my Hobbit size friends up and get them to dress as ghosts or some equally obscuring disguise. Then parade them around as my children and get free candy. Though I don't think that anyone in their right mind would believe for a moment that I was entrusted with the care of anything more delicate and needy than a rock. And considering I entitled this very entry about the consumption of infants.....I can't really blame them.

For those of you not in the know. I don't actually eat babies. Or young children. Or people in general. Having said that, I do occasionally get the urge to bludgeon folk with shovels.....

Especially them that refuse to give me candy this coming Halloween.

Tabula Rasa

Thankful?

Thanksgiving. To give thanks. Be thankful. Count ones blessing. Etc.

All over you see people doing so. Via Twitter, Facebook, whatever other social networking crap the world has churned out for us. It made me think (smell the smoke?). What am I thankful for?

A great deal, to be perfectly frank. The usual. My family. My friends who have come to be a second family as a result of the primary being eleventy billion miles away. I know I almost never ever say this to any of you. And if my generally......displeased demeanor were anything to go by, I'm sure most of you feel that I'd likely shank you if given the opportunity of no jail time. So pay close attention cause I'm only going to say this once. I love each and every one of you. And I count myself lucky that you've come into my life.

I'm even thankful for the mishaps, the setbacks, the unmitigated disasters in my life. We've all gone through it and I'm no different. Those who know me best know that things have gotten damn rocky on occasion. C'est la vie. Even in the down times, lessons have been learned and each stumble has made me what I am today. Whether or not that's a good thing is open to debate. Nevertheless, I'm thankful for those lessons.

I'm thankful for good scotch which still hasn't arrived! Get on that.

I'm a lucky man, and more importantly, I know it.

Now enough of this sappy emotional shit. Next post, I'm going to describe the proper technique of baby eating. Bring a change of clothes.

Wheel......wheel.....wheel.......wheel.....

Another night of choir and another absolute delight for the auditory senses. Still no metal *sad face*. I kid of course (mostly) and find myself increasingly enamored with our selection of material. Kudos to our fearless leader!

I wonder if I paid her prodigious compliments in this space she'd be more inclined to do some New Millennium Cyanide Christ. Or start easy with Aztec Two Step. The latter of which is a pretty sweet call and answer......that would likely terrify any audience and half the choir. Maybe it's best I'm not running things.....

I would like to speak more on the music, but it is always fun when the crowd has no idea what's about to come next. It's particularly true with this lot as our fare is decidedly not what you'd normally find. The crew also seems to be populated by lunatics. Though I think my perspective might be skewed. It's far more likely that the rest are normal folk while my section (the bass') are all batshit insane is one form or another. Yeah.....I'm gonna go with that.

On a side note, I'm very disappointed with the lack of scotch being sent from my (who am I kidding?) readers in the south. How am I gonna stay lucid if I don't have any alcholic gasoline coarsing through my system!?

I suppose I could step outside and breath deep, see what the fumes from the garbage fire do for me. Though I think stumbling about the streets, glassy eyed, spouting off the lyrics to Aztec Two Step is a sure way to have two kind officers escort me somewhere walled in and barred for a while.

One phone call? Sure. I'm gonna see if we can have practice here next week. The stuff they brew in the toilet is not bad.

Wait....

Shit.

I'm blind now.

Journey

The clouds were alight with crimson
As though a great fire scorched the sky
I took a moment
Only a moment.
I marveled
The light was saying goodbye


There's darkness now
The flames receded
Embers long since cooled
The inky black envelops all
Is cool to the touch
And basks in your abdicated throne

You will return of this I am sure
Wiser and travelled
Sharing with us the gifts you have learned
Just as you have always done
Radiance and warmth freely given
The sky set alight in our lovers eyes

I will stop a moment
Only a moment
And marvel
Lament
I know it won't be long before you leave us again
I know there will come a day....

When you don't come back

1 bottle of pop.....

Yeah, yeah, I haven't posted in a few days. Get off my back before I tickle you or something.

The virtues have been extolled before by my good friend over at A Slice of Deep Fried Awesome, but I feel I really need to echo her sentiments. For those unaware, I'm in a choir. I know, mucked, right? But it was a group brought together for the singular purpose of singing good tunes.

We're not perfect. But we pound out some damn fine pleasures for the auditory senses. And, really the most important part, we have heaping gobs of fun doing it. What's not to love? Hell....we're doing Zeppelin!

So, my dear Choiring Squad, with a dearth of scotch around to toast, this (sadly) empty glass is raised to you. It is an honour and a pleasure to sing with each of you.

Now, who's gonna help me convince our fearless leader that we need more metal?

*insert expletive here*

I'm gonna do my best to not bore you with every little boring detail of my life. Hell, the fact that I'm mentioning this is a minor miracle. Typically, I play things close to the chest. In this instance, however, I feel it merits a modicum of blog space. And since this is my blog, I can do what I feel like.....

Life, lately, hasn't been all that grand. Not really the fault of anyone. Things simply plodded in a direction that was displeasing to me and I found the handbrake elusive. A short time ago, a discussion with person X aided in halting the deterioration of my quality of life. He/She is right, of course. I really should seek advice/assistance from my friends. Aside from being companions to imbibe booze with, they can usually lend a hand with what ails you. But that's a discussion for another time......when I'm drunk.

Anyway....

Since that talk, things have taken an upswing. Indeed, part of it was the commencement of this. I like to write. Makes me happy. And since that talk, I've begun effecting changes to my life.

So, person X, thank you.

Now, to the real reason I'm telling you all this.

I fetched the mail today and among the myriad of bills/magazines/packages/useless crap was a letter from Revenue Canada. Cue the sinking feeling. Upon reading said letter, the sinking feeling was validated. Raise your glasses and cheers, I'm being audited.

The audit itself is of little concern. It's not even a full one, just partial. And I'm quite certain I have the relevant documents to back up my claims that I'm not a lying bastard attempting to pilfer from the government's treasury.

It's the timing of the thing.

Life seemed to notice....."Hey, that guy's got a good bounce going.....*boot to the tenders*."

Now, before I conclude, I'd like to recognize the fact that there's folk at Revenue Canada just like you and me. All simply trying to make a living and enjoy good bounces of their own. So I'd like to clarify that what comes next isn't directed at them. This little slice of vitriol is more directed at the establishment itself......

Fuck you Revenue Canada, you miserable, money grubbing, ill-timed fucks!

There, I feel better.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

I'm a lucky guy.

I find myself surrounded by a plethora of good people. Great people. I have the honour to call each of them my friend. Each has quirks and personalities that make up the whole of something wonderful. And I am truly thankful that they see fit to tolerate my shenanigans.

However....

I do have to wonder sometimes. Saturday, we had a party. Twas a good one. Full of drinking and relaxing. The air was vibrant with good conversation and there was scarcely a moment where someone was not laughing. Hell, during an early segment, I even held a baby! For those of you who know me.....there's something unsettling there. The good news was that I wasn't particularly hungry and thus, the baby was safe.

But I do have to wonder sometimes.....

At some point during proceedings, someone (the identity remains elusive) attempted to wash some paper plates. I awoke in the Sunday morning hours to survey the previous night's damage and there were paper plates in my sink. I thought this a mite odd until I realized someone tried to wash them.

In the immortal words of my dear [name withheld for legal reasons]....

Everybod drunkem!

Milk that spum

Inevitably, most folk who start these eventually lose interest. Post will come in fast and furious in the early days, but soon.....well, you get the idea. Truth is, I'm not making a commitment to you, my budding loyal reader.

I'll give you a moment to wipe away those tears......

Good, we've got that out of the way. To business.

I'm currently lamenting the ending of a fine bottle of scotch. For those of you from the south who may be reading, be advised that the procurement of another is not so simple as a stroll down the lane. However, if you were feeling generous, I wouldn't be opposed to receiving gifts of such a nature. One condition. No ticking please.

For those of you in the north, enjoy this weather while it last. Not perfect, but hey, we're not under gobs of snow yet. I call it a win.

When it came to the attention of person X that I have commenced blogging, he/she requested that they not be named. Truly, I can understand. There may come a day where the opinions expressed herein upset someone. And it could come to pass that said offended individual might be in a position to adversely affect the life of person X.....or Y.....or who ever the fuck I've named. So I think it's a good policy to keep the names under wraps. Any names you do read are merely concocted and fake and in place to keep things straight and to protect the guilty.

I, of course, am not hiding behind a veil of anonymity. Some of you know full well who I am. And I encourage you to vent any disagreements you have with me in a intelligent and productive manner so that we come to an amicable resolution. And for those of you who are simply digging for any old reason at all to argue or smear or.....whatever.....

Well....

Move along please.

So here we are....

....off and running.

Yet another dew drop in the ever expanding sea of blog. A different view point which may end up being eerily similar to a slew of other view points which likely started out with the illusion of being unique.

So let's get right down to the business of sharing my thoughts with little concern for whom they might offend. Ok, that's a lie. I do care if I offend you. You being the type of individual who will send mysteriously ticking mail my way via our ever efficient postal service. You, dear Sir or Madam, are the type of person who I will not offend. Or, failing that, will offer a cookie as an olive branch. Ah screw it, just take the olives, I want the cookie.

On a completely separate note, I just realized I haven't introduced myself. Nor do I feel compelled to do so. I'm sure there's a profile here somewhere you can look at if you really want to know. And with the ease of access to information, you can have that ticking snail mail off by morning.

Just so we're clear, yes, there will be swearing.

Fuck.

There. Ice broken.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got booze and food to attend to.